I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
