My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
