what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i love accidental penises.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
