When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
