Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
