I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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