My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
