We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
