I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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