somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
