I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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