So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
