I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
