I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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