Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
