i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
