I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
