I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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