Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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