I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tornado booty call.. dedication
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
