i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
