Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
