its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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