You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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