i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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