i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
