i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
