Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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