Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
