I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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