You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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