Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I want her autograph on my taint
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
