i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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