I think I won the penis lottery.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
