Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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