Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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