I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
