I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
