She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
