Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
