Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize