I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
