Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize