If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
