tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
as a side note pls kill me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
