I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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