I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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