You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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