Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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