I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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