They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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