yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
