I think my fart just growled at me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im six kinds of drunk right now
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
