It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
