I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
