So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
