he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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