I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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