Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
