My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
