Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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