Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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