Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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