So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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