i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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