i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize