Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
