I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
