I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
