how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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