I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
