Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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