My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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