This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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